"I'm not your friend!"

Hey friends,

Today I want to focus on the topic of friendships, particularly “I’m not your friend,” or, “you’re not my friend.” In today’s day and age the phrase has such a negative impact, especially on children. “Why aren’t you my friend anymore?” I’ve had children come up to me crying and telling me that their friend has claimed that they’re no longer friends. It’s hard to comprehend and accept, but it’s the way of life.

To children, it’s be all and end all. It’s the most heartbreaking thing to hear and hurts our feelings.

So, why do we say it?

There may be many reasons we say it, but there’s one important one: children need space, or time out, but they can’t articulate it any better than to say, “We’re not friends.” Yes, it hurts to hear and it’s confusing. Why are they no longer my friend? What did I do?

They’re not saying it to mean that they’ll never be friends again, just that they’re not friends at that very moment. It’s not such a bad thing to not be friends at that moment, but it’s their way of expressing that they may need some space, some breathing room. It’s hard to say how much space they’ll need, whether it’s only five minutes or for the entire day, and it’s our job to support both parties in this.

I have heard many child care workers, and some parents, say that, “We’re all friends here.” I admit, I have been guilty of saying it, too. But is it right? Are we all friends? No. Should we forced to be friends with everyone we meet or are in close proximity with? Absolutely not! There are many reasons we may not be friends with people.

Sure, we start off our lives being friends with a lot of people, but as we get older we realise that, for whatever reason, we don’t want to be friends with that person who we’ve grown up with. We might not have an explanation as to why we no longer want to be friends with someone; it might just be, “I don’t want to be friends with him or her.” That explanation is perfectly valid.

We, as adults, want reasons for everything, but as explained above, we don’t have a detailed explanation for it, and it’s okay. We don’t need one.

Do we go to supermarkets and see our parents interacting with everyone they see, calling them their best friends, or ‘old chum,’ or even, ‘mate’? No. So, why should we, or the children in our care, be forced to?

I know that “I’m not your friend,” or, “We’re not friends,” is a hurtful thing to hear, so we need to give the children tools to better express themselves and deal with hearing this. We need to let them know that it might not be forever, just for a certain time.

We should never say, “She didn’t mean it,” because that’s not validating the other child’s feelings, and basically calling her a liar; of course she meant it, but it’s not for the long run; it’s only for a short while.

As I said, we’re not friends with absolutely everybody and the reason varies.

Ø  We have different personalities, which clash;

Ø  We prefer to stick with our own gender;

Ø  We have different interests;

Ø  We have different religious views;

Ø  Our religion, for whatever reason, don’t like or agree with one another, and frown upon us interacting with one another or being friends.

Children have more simple views and reasons; they aren’t defined by all of these biases, nor do they hold grudges against one another. It’s not that they don’t remember; they just forgive more easily – tomorrow’s another day.

Anyway, I hope that all makes sense.

I will do another post on inclusion.

Until next time,

Tokana