Separation Anxiety

I'm going to speak to you about separation anxiety and how to deal with it appropriately. I will also speak to you about an experience I had with a child who suffered from separation anxiety.

It's not only children who suffer from separation anxiety, but the parents too, especially mothers. This is commonly because the mother's carried the baby for nine months in the womb, has bonded with their child and is worried that their child might not cope with being away from their mother (or father) for a period of time. This is a common feeling and concern for a parent. Separation anxiety, whether from a child or parent, is absolutely normal - it's nothing to be ashamed of whatsoever!

Some concerns parents may have is that they're returning to work too soon, therefore separating from their child too quickly; that there child isn't ready to be left in another person's care, especially a stranger. A parent wonders if their child will miss them and cry.
Do you remember mother's intuition and that they know whether their child is sad or angry? It's the same for children as far as their parents are concerned, especially their mothers.
When trying to find a child care centre in which to enroll your child, make sure you're both satisfied and comfortable with it. If you're happy and content and get along well with the staff, your child will too.
If you're unsure or uncomfortable with the centre and/or staff, your child most likely will, too. If you're feeling anxious about leaving your child with a carer, your child will know it and will probably want to stay with you to comfort you and make it all better again.

The child care centres are usually understanding and will accommodate the parents' anxiety/concerns and allow you to call a few times a day for updates on your child's progress. More than likely your child's progress will go something like, "Sam was a bit anxious when you first left, but settled in quite nicely once he got to know the other children, the routine and played some games."

The case of putting your child into someone else's care is always stressful and you need to do what is right for the both of you. If you're worried, you can always enroll your child into playgroup, where you stay with your child throughout the play session while your child gets to socialise with other children his or her age.
If after a while you feel comfortable about leaving your child, you can consider normal child care where you leave for a certain amount of time.
If you're breastfeeding, you can rest assured that most child care centres welcome mother's to come in at certain times and breastfeed your child. This is also a good way of slowly separating for certain amounts of time, and being assured that your child is being well looked after. I work at a playhouse and I can assure you that it's a great arrangement for both parent and child. I work with the over three's, though, so only one parent is there helping while there are at least two permanent staff present. The under two's group requires all parents to be present with their children.

I worked with a child who had separation anxiety and the first day I met her, she was clinging to her mother, not wanting her to leave. Once she'd said goodbye and her mother left, she was still unsettled, so I made myself available to her. She slowly came to me and the next day I was with her she'd transferred all of her separation anxiety from her mother to me - at least at child care. I then comforted her and made her feel secure and cared for. After a while, I began the process of trying to eliminate the separation anxiety.

She preferred to just play with me and not her peers, so I encouraged her to play with her peers whilst sitting on my lap, which went over a few weeks. Once she felt comfortable enough to get off my lap and play with them, I started distancing myself little by little, still assuring her that I was close by and she could come to me if needed. After about three months, the progress we'd made became very evident - she let go of her family member and run over to the set up tunnel and play in that for ages without a worry in the world!

When you're transitioning from parent to child care for the first time, do an orientation lasting for two or so weeks just to get the child used to the centre, staff, children and routines, and then after one or two days, or when you feel comfortable, excuse yourself for a few minutes while making yourself a cup of tea.

Once the child is finally settled, set a routine: arrive at child care at the same time each day and tell them when you'll be back (eg. "after lunch," "after nap time," "after afternoon tea time") and make sure you're consistent. If you say you're going to do something, follow through with it. If you have time, get to child care 15 minutes early so you can spend that time with your child, settling him or her into care for the day. Read a book, change his or her first nappy (diaper) for the day.
If you're going back to work full time, gradually reduce the time spent there until all you need to do is drop the child off. It's always good for both the parent and child to do one activity at care together before you leave, whether it be read a book, sing a song or two, changing his or her first nappy at care, doing a puzzle or playing in home corner together. An important thing for both parent and child is to say goodbye, even if the child's busy with what they're doing.

It is also important for the child to bring in something from home, whether it be a toy, their blanket, their favourite dummy, book or even your favourite shirt that you wear. This will act as a comforter for the child. A child care I worked at also had a 'about me' board, where they had pictures of the child and his or her immediate family. They also had a picture from a special event the child had, whether it be a birthday party, holiday or getting a new pet. The child can point at it and identify their family, what they did or their pet.
This 'about me' board contributes to their identity, sense of belonging and importance.

These are some descriptions of separation anxiety and some tips on how to deal with it. I hope they help you, a friend or family member.

Tokana.