Hey
friends,
Today
I want to focus on the topic of friendships, particularly “I’m not your friend,”
or, “you’re not my friend.” In today’s day and age the phrase has such a
negative impact, especially on children. “Why aren’t you my friend anymore?” I’ve
had children come up to me crying and telling me that their friend has claimed
that they’re no longer friends. It’s hard to comprehend and accept, but it’s
the way of life.
To
children, it’s be all and end all. It’s the most heartbreaking thing to hear
and hurts our feelings.
So,
why do we say it?
There
may be many reasons we say it, but there’s one important one: children need space,
or time out, but they can’t articulate it any better than to say, “We’re not
friends.” Yes, it hurts to hear and it’s confusing. Why are they no longer my
friend? What did I do?
They’re
not saying it to mean that they’ll never
be friends again, just that they’re not friends at that very moment. It’s not
such a bad thing to not be friends at that moment, but it’s their way of
expressing that they may need some space, some breathing room. It’s hard to say
how much space they’ll need, whether it’s only five minutes or for the entire
day, and it’s our job to support both parties in this.
I
have heard many child care workers, and some parents, say that, “We’re all
friends here.” I admit, I have been guilty of saying it, too. But is it right? Are we all friends? No. Should we forced
to be friends with everyone we meet or are in close proximity with? Absolutely
not! There are many reasons we may not be friends with people.
Sure,
we start off our lives being friends with a lot of people, but as we get older
we realise that, for whatever reason, we don’t want to be friends with that
person who we’ve grown up with. We might not have an explanation as to why we no
longer want to be friends with someone; it might just be, “I don’t want to be
friends with him or her.” That explanation is perfectly valid.
We,
as adults, want reasons for everything, but as explained above, we don’t have a
detailed explanation for it, and it’s okay. We don’t need one.
Do
we go to supermarkets and see our parents interacting with everyone they see, calling them their best friends, or ‘old chum,’
or even, ‘mate’? No. So, why should we, or the children in our care, be forced
to?
I
know that “I’m not your friend,” or, “We’re not friends,” is a hurtful thing to
hear, so we need to give the children tools to better express themselves and
deal with hearing this. We need to let them know that it might not be forever,
just for a certain time.
We
should never say, “She didn’t mean it,” because that’s not validating the other
child’s feelings, and basically calling her a liar; of course she meant it, but
it’s not for the long run; it’s only for a short while.
As
I said, we’re not friends with absolutely everybody and the reason varies.
Ø We have different personalities, which
clash;
Ø We prefer to stick with our own gender;
Ø We have different interests;
Ø We have different religious views;
Ø Our religion, for whatever reason, don’t
like or agree with one another, and frown upon us interacting with one another
or being friends.
Children
have more simple views and reasons; they aren’t defined by all of these biases,
nor do they hold grudges against one another. It’s not that they don’t
remember; they just forgive more easily – tomorrow’s another day.
Anyway,
I hope that all makes sense.
I
will do another post on inclusion.
Until
next time,
Tokana
