"I'm not your friend!"

Hey friends,

Today I want to focus on the topic of friendships, particularly “I’m not your friend,” or, “you’re not my friend.” In today’s day and age the phrase has such a negative impact, especially on children. “Why aren’t you my friend anymore?” I’ve had children come up to me crying and telling me that their friend has claimed that they’re no longer friends. It’s hard to comprehend and accept, but it’s the way of life.

To children, it’s be all and end all. It’s the most heartbreaking thing to hear and hurts our feelings.

So, why do we say it?

There may be many reasons we say it, but there’s one important one: children need space, or time out, but they can’t articulate it any better than to say, “We’re not friends.” Yes, it hurts to hear and it’s confusing. Why are they no longer my friend? What did I do?

They’re not saying it to mean that they’ll never be friends again, just that they’re not friends at that very moment. It’s not such a bad thing to not be friends at that moment, but it’s their way of expressing that they may need some space, some breathing room. It’s hard to say how much space they’ll need, whether it’s only five minutes or for the entire day, and it’s our job to support both parties in this.

I have heard many child care workers, and some parents, say that, “We’re all friends here.” I admit, I have been guilty of saying it, too. But is it right? Are we all friends? No. Should we forced to be friends with everyone we meet or are in close proximity with? Absolutely not! There are many reasons we may not be friends with people.

Sure, we start off our lives being friends with a lot of people, but as we get older we realise that, for whatever reason, we don’t want to be friends with that person who we’ve grown up with. We might not have an explanation as to why we no longer want to be friends with someone; it might just be, “I don’t want to be friends with him or her.” That explanation is perfectly valid.

We, as adults, want reasons for everything, but as explained above, we don’t have a detailed explanation for it, and it’s okay. We don’t need one.

Do we go to supermarkets and see our parents interacting with everyone they see, calling them their best friends, or ‘old chum,’ or even, ‘mate’? No. So, why should we, or the children in our care, be forced to?

I know that “I’m not your friend,” or, “We’re not friends,” is a hurtful thing to hear, so we need to give the children tools to better express themselves and deal with hearing this. We need to let them know that it might not be forever, just for a certain time.

We should never say, “She didn’t mean it,” because that’s not validating the other child’s feelings, and basically calling her a liar; of course she meant it, but it’s not for the long run; it’s only for a short while.

As I said, we’re not friends with absolutely everybody and the reason varies.

Ø  We have different personalities, which clash;

Ø  We prefer to stick with our own gender;

Ø  We have different interests;

Ø  We have different religious views;

Ø  Our religion, for whatever reason, don’t like or agree with one another, and frown upon us interacting with one another or being friends.

Children have more simple views and reasons; they aren’t defined by all of these biases, nor do they hold grudges against one another. It’s not that they don’t remember; they just forgive more easily – tomorrow’s another day.

Anyway, I hope that all makes sense.

I will do another post on inclusion.

Until next time,

Tokana

A little about me...

Hey guys,

I went down my blog list and realised that I haven't written a blog post introducing me. So, please let me get right to it.

My name's Tokana and I'm 26 (soon to be 27) years of age, and I live in Victoria, Australia.

I am originally from Victoria, but moved up to New South Wales at a young age with my mother and stepfather, where we stayed for the majority of my life. I went to primary (elementary) and high school (middle and high school combined) there and made friends. Before moving back to Victoria, where most of my family are located, I started to volunteer in child care centres and began studying for my Certificate 3 in Children's Services, which I finished down here in Victoria. I graduated at the end of 2012, and have been working in child care since.

Have I done anything else before I realised that I wanted to do child care? Yes. I did work experience at a video shop, which was nice, but I needed more interaction with people, and also at my local vets. In a small town we all know each other, and because my dog had some special needs, and also picked up by people who thought she had run away from home (they picked her up in front of our house), she was well known at the vets. It's through there that I birthed a calf (I helped, not actually giving birth to it). It was the greatest experience of my life! No, it wasn't glamorous (far from it), but it was life changing. I also did work experience at a canoe adventures place, but nothing was as memorable as the vets.

I've had some wonderful experiences volunteering at child care centres in New South Wales and met some truly great people. I wouldn't change that experience for the world!

Once graduating, I looked for work and then began working in the child care industry as a casual through an agency.

During that time, my mother convinced me to do my Diploma in Screen and Media, because I was always fascinated by technology, in particular cameras and film making. That took two years to complete, and even though I've finished the course, I'm about to officially graduate from the course next month. It's exciting!

I decided to take a break from working this year because I'd made the decision to further my career in child care and study for my Diploma in Early Childhood and Care. It should take me about two years to complete that, as I'm studying part-time.

I have a boyfriend named David, and he's lovely. We've been going out for nearly a year now.

In case you're wondering, I don't have any children yet, and neither does he. Hopefully there will be the pitter-patter of little feet one day!

Now that you know a little more about me, what about you? Let me know a little something about yourselves. It doesn't need to be too personal, or long. One or two paragraphs about yourselves will suffice.

Just so you know, any and all comments containing bullying will not be tolerated and will therefore be deleted.

As a side note: while I am a qualified child care worker, I do not consider myself an expert, nor am I a doctor. Any advise that I give is purely my own and nobody else's, unless stated, and should no way substitute for that of your child's teacher or medical professional.

Until next time,

Tokana

Who knows more?

Hey friends,

I want to talk to you about who knows more about your child. You, the parent, or the child care worker?

Some parents think that their child's worker knows more about their child than them. Other parents think the exact opposite. Are they wrong? No, they're not. The parent almost always knows more than the child care worker, but there are some things that the parent(s) can still learn, and they can do that by listening to their child's teacher's advice. Effective communication is extremely important for both parties to properly care for the child!

As child care workers, we can't tell someone how to raise their children (we have no right to), but we can give advice on what may and may not work best. As I addressed in my previous post, "Goodbye burp cloths and exhaustion!", I can advise you to rub your child's back instead of patting him or her, which results in their food being thrown up all over you and/or everything around you.

We all know how much pregnant women hate receiving advice on the birth and how to raise their babies, mostly because all pregnant women are told is the bleak side of things; the negative impact of birth and after birth. For example: "Enjoy your sleep now, because you won't be getting much of it once the baby's born!" And other mothers (and in some cases, fathers) tell grueling, graphic tales of labour. But sometimes it's good to take the advice of other mothers, families and even child carers. No, I'm not suggesting really listening to the graphic horror stories; I'm talking about the helpful advice, like "to avoid throw up, avoid patting a child on their back; instead, rub their backs." "Every child is different, but I'd advise bringing a handful of clean nappies with you wherever you go, along with a change mat, wet wipes and nappy bags into which you can put your dirty nappies."

There are even classes for new parents where you can get more advice from mothers, nurses, and carers. I'd advise even going whilst still pregnant; you never know what handy advice you can get!

My advice for everyone who's already a mother, it's okay to give expectant mothers some useful advice, like resting up before the baby arrives, but just do it in a nice way and leave out all the gory details. It's good to leave some things to the imagination and allowing them to experience them for themselves. Also, please don't tell someone that they look "as big as a whale" or "as big as a house" - if I was told that while pregnant... well, let's just say that I would respond very well. Blame it on the hormones.

So, instead of blatantly telling a pregnant woman any horror stories, try to give some soft, friendly advice to guide her through pregnancy and the early stages of pregnancy. Also, suggest taking her to your mother's group where she can get some more advice from fellow mums and professionals.

When your child's carer gives some helpful advice, keep all ears open.

Tokana

Goodbye burp cloths and goodbye exhaustion!

Hey friends,

Sorry I haven't been writing for a while, but I haven't been inspired to talk about anything before, but now I finally am.

My friend has just had twins and has been posting different articles about twins and how to deal with them, as well as posting her thoughts and asking for advice via her Facebook timeline. They are adorable twins, and despite one of them being scarily thin, they are now relatively happy and healthy.

My friend posted another article recently and it's about the struggles (and pleasures) of raising twins. The author described getting up throughout the night and even though one twin was easy to 'get down', the other wasn't and would be up wailing his little head off for hours on end. The mother, a single parent, was feeling so tired that her head felt as if it was made of lead, and she knew that her eldest child would require her to be up in a matter of hours to tend to her needs and entertain her, and so forth.

The mother then went on to explain that she was constantly covered in regurgitated milk after burping her twins, and it wasn't hard for me to figure out why. I grew up thinking that the only way to burp your baby was to pat it and jiggle it, and the ultimate result was your child not only burping (hip, hip, hooray!) but for them to basically throw it all up, and not just all over itself, but you and everything around you. The whole process would begin again shortly after since the child's tummy is once again empty.

Since completing my certificate in child care I have learned another method, and a puke-free one, of burping your child. Instead of patting and jiggling your child (and you) up and down, gently rub your child's back. Make slow, gentle circular motions with your hand, which is flat against your child's back. I have burped a few babies this way and presto, no more throwing up! Goodbye burp cloths!

You may feel weighed down, exhausted, and looking forward to that light at the end of the tunnel. But I assure you, it does get better and it'll all feel like a distant memory.

But don't take my word for it; just believe.

This is all advice. Do what feels comfortable for you and your child.

I have never had children myself, so I don't have any real, first-hand experience with this. The only relative experience I have with this was with a Maybe Baby, which was named Buffy. I was really excited! What I didn't know was that it was 'faulty', but it provided me with a very real experience. Every child's different, and this one was no exception. Buffy reminded my mother of me: never being able to be set down or sleeping for a long period of time. Buffy was a newborn baby, not being able to support her head. A friend of my mother's held Buffy and accidentally let go of her head, snapping her head back and making Buffy wail. Buffy came with two cloth nappies and we were shown how to put the nappies on. I put the nappy on the right way, and it sometimes worked, but at other times it didn't. If it didn't, I reversed the nappy and it worked. Other times, neither way worked, so I tried feeding her, which didn't work either. I then tried singing to her while I rocked her. She fell asleep! Yay! She woke up day and night and I couldn't get any sleep. I eventually gave her to my mum so I could get some sleep. It was finally time to give her back to the school, and while I didn't want to give her back, as we'd bonded (can you really bond with a robot?), I was also looking forward to getting some sleep. I told my librarian, who was conducting the test, that I tried everything I could, but at times it wouldn't work and that my mum's friend accidentally dropped her head. The librarian was very understanding, went to get the results and came back to tell me that the baby is faulty. Ha! Aren't all babies 'faulty' at one time or another? The end result was that I passed with flying colours. However, I don't feel as if I passed with flying colours; I feel as if I failed by not being able to staying up at all hours due to exhaustion. Also, I love my sleep! I guess I just wasn't ready to have a baby. I don't know if I am at this point, either.

Looking after children in child care, feeding and changing nappies with the support of my fellow carers is vastly different than getting up at all hours of the night as a parent. I can say that looking after children and infants is easy, but I know that's not the case when it's your baby and you're waking up at all hours of the day and night feeding, burping and changing the baby. All I can do is feel empathy for the parents who are showing signs of exhaustion.

So to all of you who are exhausted and covered with milky puke, I may not have a child of my own, but I empathise with you, and I can tell you that it gets better.

Tokana

It's Easter ALREADY?! Arg! Last minute Easter ideas for the family. For adult/teenage eyes only!

So, worse has come to worse and the unthinkable has happened: you've been working a lot and haven't had time to do that rather important and, as far as the kids go, unforgivable piece of shopping, so you're in a mad rush and get to the store at the last minute, but the store has run out of chocolate Easter eggs and Easter bunnies. The Easter Bunny's not coming this year? This is unbelievable! Easter is ruined! How could this possible be salvaged?! Well, there is a way to salvage Easter and I know the way. It's not so much of a secret, as many people in different parts of the world do this, especially those who want to save a few dollars here and there, but it's new to those who spend hundreds of dollars (or more realistically, $50) on chocolate Easter eggs and bunnies for the children.

Many festivities have become really commercialized these days: Christmas, Valentines Day, Easter, the Fourth of July, Halloween... we've lost the true meaning of these holidays!

Well, enough with the true meaning of these holidays like spending time with the family and celebrating both Jesus' birthday, the day He died and His return from the dead, and more about salvaging Easter for the children (eg. CHOCOLATE)! We go crazy for chocolate, don't we? Or at least children do.

So, what you're going to want to do is buy a Silicone Egg Mould for $6.99, which has been reduced to $3.49 from Spotlight (and get as many as you can!), cooking chocolate from your local supermarket, and get a recipe off the Internet (unless you're so resourceful and you just pour the melted chocolate straight into the mould and either into the oven or fridge to set). I came across a few recipes for Easter eggs. Here they are):

This one is simply called "Home Made Easter Eggs"

This one is called "Marbled Easter Eggs"

This is a recipe for hollow eggs simply called "Chocolate Eggs".

There's a delicious Easter egg (and bunnies) made out of Nutella for you to try.

You can also use the above recipes for Easter bunnies, just modify the recipe to suit.

I hope you have found this tip useful and you have a merry and safe Easter weekend!

I will try to post more after the Easter long weekend (Tuesday).

Tokana

Time, money and tidiness

Dear families,

Today we're going to speak about three topics: Time, money management and tidiness. This is to teach them about the three subjects.

A good way to teach your children to read the time is to give them a toy analogue clock where they can manipulate the hands of the dial and make it go to any number and time. Teach them about their hours first (eg. 12:00, 1:00). I've always found digital clocks easier to read, especially when I was younger and just learning to tell the time. (I still find digital clocks easier to read than analogue, but it's like that for everyone, isn't it?)

Children usually learn by doing, so to better teach them about time, associate a particular hour to an event/their usual routine. For example: Lunch time is at 12:00 and dinner time is at 7:00. If bedtime is on a particular hour, use that too, but if it's at 7:30, leave that until a later date.

The next step is to teach them about their halves (eg. 7:30), so if bedtime is at 7:30pm, this would be a great opportunity to involve it.

The third step would be trying this with an analogue clock. Forget the minutes in between, as it can be too confusing, especially at first; we're focusing on every 30 minutes.

I was babysitting three children at once and one of them had autism (I've included this in a previous post about Autism). The middle, Autistic child loved to play video games, whether it was on the computer or via the TV, but I had to limit his video gaming because of three reasons: you're suppose to limit their screen time, he had a brother who also wanted to play a game on the computer and he would get overstimulated and easily frustrated when exposed to video games for too long. In keeping with this rule and to stop him from getting overstimulated, I would give him and his brother fifteen minutes in front of the screen at any given time. This was a great opportunity to teach him how to tell the time, whether it was on the computer or the analogue clock hanging up directly opposite him on the wall! Whenever he'd begin his screen time, we'd look at the clock and tell the time, after which I'd tell him that when the big hand got to a certain number (fifteen minutes later), he's time would be up and he'd need to move away. Ten minutes after, I'd remind him that he only had five minutes left and needed to finish his game (save and quit), by asking him what the time was and how many minutes he had left, and again at two minutes. As soon as his time was up, he'd try to convince me to allow him to play for a few minutes longer and sometimes I obliged, but most of the time I'd say "no."

Now we're going to learn about money management. It is good to start teaching children about money management, but do it in a simple way suitable for their age.

The first step is teaching your child how to count up to 10 and then up to 20, if not higher.

If your child is three+, you can buy a toy cash register, some plastic food and pretend money. If you want to be more cost effective, you can either buy a toy cash register, some food and some coloured cardboard that you can get from craft shops, Kmart, Big W, Bunnings and Masters, from which you can make denominations. Or you could go the entirely cost effective route: get a money box or cardboard box that's been lying around the house, make some bank notes (or bills, as Americans might say), and use any food items that you might have lying around the house.

Present the child with the food item(s) that you you wish to "buy" and ask them how much it costs, listing the denominations that you have. If they say that an apple costs $20 (how expensive is that? You'd hope it's a very good apple for $20!), but you don't have it, tell them what you do have, or if the money that you have adds up to $20+, add it up in front of them ("$5... plus $5... plus $5... plus $5 equals $20.00.")

If the child is older (say, 7+), you can enhance the experience by taking them shopping with you and putting them in charge of the shopping list and money. Set your limit, though. Supply them with a shopping list and calculator, and at every item you ask them how much it's listed as (they write it down), and add that denomination to the total cost. Once you've collected each item on your list, get your child to use their calculator and add up all of the prices to come up with the total price. If you're on a tight budget and an item takes you a few cents (quid or dimes) over your budget, notify your child that you'll have to put that item back. This helps them with their cognitive learning (thinking, maths, reading, and hand-eye-co-ordination) as well as their fine motor skills (writing and crossing items off of the list).

To teach your child how to keep their spaces (craft area as well as bedroom) clean, buy a tiered trolley on wheels (like this ClosetMaid Mini 6 cube storage organiser) and baskets or storage bins like this these ones: Small Smart Store System Tote (compartmentalise your craft items such as pencils, rubbers (aka erasers), stamps etc.), Small Weave Bin. Or you could even look around and buy an old wooden ladder (four round rungs with plenty of space in between) and some hanging baskets, or you could buy some ladder shelves, some magnets, glue and wire or plastic lattice baskets. I would recommend making all of your baskets, buckets or containers clear, if not open, so your child can see exactly what's in there (the items aren't going to get used if they are not clearly visible). 

With the ladder shelves, glue some of the magnets onto the ladder and the opposite magnets onto the baskets, and then place the baskets onto the ladder. Make sure that all of the magnets on the ladder are of the same, and the opposites on all of the baskets so you can place the baskets on any of the magnets and they are easily removable.

If you're going to go the hanging baskets way, you can easily buy some S shaped hooks at your local building supply warehouse.

You can even buy some blackboard labels so you can label each basket with what they contain, and you can easily change their titles when you change or rotate the items. This helps with your child's literacy.

To make your storage ladder more colourful and fun, include some spools of ribbon, some spools of wrapping paper, baskets of colourful paddle pop sticks, cotton balls, glitter, glue, glitter glue, textas, pencils, colourful paper, stamps and stickers. If there aren't enough room for the spools of ribbon you can use a picture frame (remove the front and back and screw some rods into it, hanging your ribbons off of it, or you can even use a multi-tiered hangers, which you can hang off of your ladder shelves. You can even place the spools of ribbon in an old shoe box and put an elastic around it to contain the end of your ribbons. You can use glass jars and wrapped around little squares of cardboard, but it's better if the ribbon's easily accessible and your child could just snip the required amount of ribbon off.You could even use an old, pull up straw dispenser that you can get from op-shops to store your spools in.

For the wrapping paper, you can screw some hooks into the wall, or into the ladder shelves, buy a few rods, thread your wrapping paper onto the rods and place into the hooks. Making everything colourful and easily accessible is key when enticing and entertaining children, and encouraging them to explore their imagination.

Well, they are my tips for now. I hope you and your children enjoy these educational and creative ideas.

Tokana

Ribbon ideas: http://www.livesimplybyannie.com/97-ways-to-store-your-ribbon/ 

*All of the blue and underlined words are links to where you can find the products. Some of them are Australian stores/websites and some are American, for example Dollar Tree.

Just when you thought they couldn't do it!

Hey Families,

Have you ever looked at someone with physical, mental or emotional disabilities (or, the more PC term "handicaps") and excluded them from an activities purely on the basis that they "just couldn't do it"? I'm sure you have (no judgement)!

I've always come across someone who was handicapped, whether they were hard of hearing or they had a physical handicap. I love working with all children, but my passion is looking after those with a handicap, whatever it may be. Maybe it's because I've got a disability myself (Asperger's Syndrome and Chronic Granulomatus Disease, which is an immune disorder). I don't mind using the word "disability," mainly because I don't let it define me; it's just a word.

I've had the prejudices that those with disabilities/handicaps couldn't do everything that 'normal' people could, depending on your handicap, but as I grew up and was surrounded by these people who were handicapped, I started to realise that they could do everything "normal" people could, and I started to seriously question the word "normal." Why is it in our dictionary? Nothing is normal, is it, especially when describing someone, a thing or a lifestyle.

I went to high school with a young woman who had a physical handicap, but she didn't let that hold her back in life. She still doesn't. At first I doubted that she could do everything we could, especially lifting weights with her arms, as she didn't have enough muscle mass to write and such, but she opened my eyes and made me realise that she wasn't incapable of doing the things that we take for granted, like lifting up weights, or walking around. Of course, she can't physically walk, but she can crawl/wriggle along. I was amazed, but I shouldn't have been. Of course she can get around without her wheelchair or anyone's help! Even though she can only verbally say a few words, she communicates by her hands and her head, as well as making sounds.

As soon as I found out that she could pick up weights, any doubts left my minds. I knew that it was impossible to be incapable at doing something, and no excuse was acceptable to be excluded from any activity.

I've met a couple of children with physical handicaps while working in child care, and I can confidently say that while they need more supervision and help with the simple tasks that we take for granted, they can do everything. I learned that you don't just need to sing 'the Wheels on the Bus,' but you can use your body to do physical exercise while singing it. People with physical handicaps can also do it. I guided his legs in a cycling motion as we pretended to ride bicycles; I helped him press an imaginary horn, reach up to the stars; pretend our hands were windscreen wipers, so we were washing the windscreen; read a newspaper and so forth.

Children tend to exclude or bully those with physical or intellectual handicaps because they're ignorant; no-one's explained to or showed them that those with handicaps can do anything and basically everything they can; they just need some patience and understanding.

I remember that when I was in school (starting from primary school going through high school - elementary to secondary school) I was bullied for "being different," but when I was in the compulsory anti-bullying (or whatever it was called) class, I mentioned to everyone that I had Asperger's and the room went silent; none of the students had ever heard of Asperger's! I was still bullied by some people, but not for having Asperger's Syndrome.

I think there needs to be more information and exposure to those with handicaps in order to fully understand them and their abilities, and to eliminate that prejudice.

If you work with someone with a handicap, or your child goes to daycare or school with a person with a handicap, take the time to speak to them and get to know them for them, and not for their disability. Treat them like normal people, while still understanding that they have their limits, which may be different from ours, and they may need extra help with certain activities.

Go up to that person, introduce yourself, ask them if they need any help (if it looks like they're struggling), and share your interests with them. You never know, they may have the same interests as you, or can open your eyes to a new interest.

People with one or more handicaps are people just like us with feelings.

Take care of yourselves and others.

Tokana